It’s Called Sub Dumping

Let’s talk about something I like to call Sub Dumping. You’ve probably experienced it, but didn’t know it had a name, that I’ve clearly made up. You’re minding your own business, maybe scrolling through messages or just chillin’, when out of nowhere, your phone buzzes. You open it up, and boom—an unsolicited hole pic, sometimes complete with an aggressive rundown of everything they want to do to you. You didn’t ask for it, you didn’t lead up to it, and now you’re just sitting there like, What the fuck just happened?

It’s like trauma dumping, but horny. And just like trauma dumping, it hits you with this weird mix of overwhelm, discomfort, and a little bit of guilt for feeling that way. You didn’t consent to being on the receiving end of someone’s entire fantasy, and it leaves you feeling off.

And before anyone comes at me with, “Oh, but that’s just guys being guys,” let me stop you right there. This isn’t just dudes doing this. I’ve had it come at me from people of all genders. Sorry, ladies, just because you’re used to getting this from men doesn’t mean it’s not happening to us, too. It’s a universal problem.

Dom Dumping

I wrote about sub dumping because, honestly, I haven’t really experienced it the other way around. I know there are doms who do this too, but it feels like there’s already plenty of public understanding around why that’s not cool without consent. What people seem to forget more often is that sub energy can be just as invasive. It’s like there’s this assumption that submissive energy is always harmless or wanted, but that’s just not true. It can feel just as uncomfortable and boundary-crossing as any other dynamic when it’s forced on you without checking in first.

Why Do I Call It Sub Dumping?

Let me break it down. Sub dumping is when someone sizes you up, makes some assumptions about your energy, and just throws themselves at you—like a sub desperately craving a dom to take control, without stopping to consider whether that’s even your vibe. It’s not just about being sexual; it’s about being reckless with how you approach someone. It’s invasive as hell.

The weirdest part? It’s not even sexy most of the time. Even if the pic is objectively hot, it’s the context that kills it. You’re not some sex god standing on a mountaintop, waiting for worshippers to throw themselves at your feet. You’re just a dude trying to connect. Instead, you get blindsided by someone’s desperate need to be dominated or validated. It’s exhausting.

And again, to be crystal clear, it’s not just guys doing this. Plenty of women and non-binary folks are guilty of it, too. It’s not a gender issue, it’s a boundary issue.

It’s Not a Good Look to Lead With “What I Want to Do to You” the “Fantasy Push”

One of the biggest red flags of sub dumping is when someone kicks off the conversation with, “What I want to do to you is…” or “Here’s what you’re gonna do to me…” That’s not how you start a vibe. It’s not enticing. It’s presumptive as hell.

Look, being confident and direct can be sexy when it’s invited or consensual. But if your opening line is already assuming someone’s into your fantasy before even gauging their interest, you’re just throwing your horniness at them without any consideration. It’s like showing up at a party and immediately taking over the playlist without asking. You’re not setting the mood—you’re just hijacking the vibe.

I’ve had people open with some wild assumptions about what they think I want to do to them, and it’s just as off-putting. Leading with that kind of energy doesn’t build connection. It just makes you look clueless about boundaries and consent.

Watch Your Honorifics

Here’s another way dumping goes sideways: honorifics. You know, those words that hold a ton of personal meaning—boy, girl, daddy, sir, and so on. These terms can be hot as hell when they’re earned, but they’re also loaded as fuck. You start throwing them around without checking in, and you’re gonna shoot yourself in the foot before even getting started.

See, honorifics are deeply personal. Some people wear them like a badge of pride. Others only use them with specific partners or in specific dynamics. You can’t just slap “Daddy” on someone you’ve never met and expect it to land well. Same with calling someone “boy” without knowing if that’s how they identify or relate to their kink. It’s like barging into someone’s house and redecorating without asking.

When you use an honorific without permission, it shows you’ve made some wild assumptions about who they are and what they want. You’re not just coming on too strong—you’re disrespecting their autonomy and identity.

And again, ladies, non-binary folks, whoever—this is everyone. I’ve had people call me “Daddy” out of nowhere, like that’s gonna automatically flip a switch and make me take charge. It’s presumptive as hell, and it doesn’t feel good.

Why It Feels Gross

The problem isn’t just that they sent a hole pic or called you “Daddy” out of nowhere. It’s that they’ve offloaded their horniness onto you without any regard for how it might hit you. They didn’t check in, didn’t read the vibe, didn’t care whether you were in a headspace to receive it. It’s like they threw a bucket of their own desperate energy at you and expected you to pick it up and run with it.

It’s this assumption that, because you present a certain way—dominant, confident, masculine—you must be craving to control someone at all times. Spoiler: that’s not how it works. Nobody is constantly turned on and ready to take the wheel just because they look like they could.

How To Handle It

You don’t owe anyone a response. Sometimes the best move is to just leave them on read. If you’re feeling generous, you can hit them back with something like:

“Hey, that’s a lot to throw at someone without checking in first. I’m not into that kind of approach.”

Or if you’re feeling spicy:

“Maybe start over, dial it back. This approach is a major turn-off.”

The key is recognizing that just because someone’s throwing that energy at you doesn’t mean you’re obligated to catch it. You don’t have to validate their desire to be used just because they came in hot.

I get it—some of you deal with this nonstop. Your inbox is blowing up all day because you’re desirable to a lot of people. But that doesn’t mean you’re off the hook just because you’re used to being on the receiving end. We all gotta be more mindful of how we approach people, no matter what’s between our legs. Being wanted doesn’t give you the right to disregard someone’s boundaries or throw your energy at them without checking in first.

And yeah, some people might actually be into it—that’s fair. But I’d bet most aren’t. If you’re gonna take that risk and put yourself out there like that, at least take a second to gauge the vibe or calculate the risk. And if it doesn’t land, accept the rejection without getting salty about it. Respect goes both ways.

There’s nothing wrong with being into submission. There’s nothing wrong with being a horny mess. Hell, we’ve all been there. But there’s a big difference between expressing your kink and sub dumping it onto someone. One’s consensual, sexy, and communicative. The other is chaotic, messy, and disrespectful.

Next time you get hit with a sub dump, just remember: it’s not your problem to fix. A little self-awareness goes a long way, and if they’re not willing to read the room before throwing their entire sexual identity at you, it’s on them—not you.

You’re not a trash bin for other people’s unresolved fantasies. Stay chill, set your boundaries, and don’t feel bad for not engaging with that energy. We’re all capable of fucking this up, and we all can do better.